urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun marathonrun marathonrun 2008-10-19T01:07:17Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:32355 2008-10-19T01:07:17Z 2008-10-19T01:07:17Z Holy smokes, i can't believe it's been so long since my last entry! I shouldn't be all that surprised in myself as i had planned to give myself some time away from LJ and had even considered not coming back but today i just felt like there was no other place to go. It's amazing how things can be going so well and then BAM! In one small encounter of standing on the scale you feel totally like everything that made you happy means nothing. To sum up this year..... I got a new job that i totally love, my bf and i bought a beautiful house and i even won the Duathlon Series this year for my age group! I should be on top of the world but instead i feel like it fell out from under me and that i'm just floating in limbo. <br /><br />For insurance purposes my bf and i had to have a nurse come to our house and we had to answer some questions about our health and have some basic tests done, like blood pressure, pee in a bottle AND then she pulled out her SCALE!!!!!!! So right there in my living room in front of my bf and the nurse i had to weigh myself! I have known over the months that my weight has been fluctuating but i had been convincing myself that my eating habits were ok and all of my working out was balancing everything off and that the scale would just start my cycle all over again if i got on one. So it had been months since i have stood on the scale and now all my hard work was going to be wrecked in a matter of a few seconds on the scale. If only they knew what this was going to do to me but i tried to act like it was no big deal. As i slowly stepped on it i actually thought iwas going to throw up but managed not to. "Ok, so 145, thats not so bad," said the nurse. I hadn't realized that my eyes were closed until she said that and then they flew open and i had to stare down at that horrid number! I was SO devistated that i started to shake and had to excuse myself from the room before either one of them noticed. Today i worked out at the gym for 4 1/2 hours and have not had a bite to eat, this would have been hard to do if my bf was around but he has been out all day. I plan to take some lax tonight and will start a detox tomorrow. So once again the cycle begins. I wish i could just be happy with all the good stuff going on in my life but this will now consume me until i feel satisfied and satisfaction never seems to happen. F**K! I hate this!!!! I feel so disgusted with myself for letting myself forget and neglect my body and my weight and my fat!!!!! I should be hitting my goal weight of 130 by now but instead here i am fatter then ever! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:32224 2008-03-03T16:25:26Z 2008-03-03T16:25:26Z I just don't know what happened..... I went out yesterday to get some gas for my car and decided since Shoppers Drug Mart was right there that i would stop in since i needed some toothpaste. I browsed down the isles and before i knew it i was in the junk food isle and starring at all sorts of crap. I thought that i could control myself but it was like i had turned into that other person and by the time i got home i had a bag of chips, 2 chocolate bars and some wine gums, oh and a small container of Smarties ice cream. Nice. I also forgot to buy toothpaste. Perfect. I thought to myself how great i have been doing for the last month and how i haven't yet actually eaten the junk food so it was still ok. I decided to throw it all away in the trash but noticed that my bf had put a fresh bag in the can so it was in fact empty and clean in the garbage. If i toss out bad foods i usually have to cram them in the garbage and make sure they are totally not edible or else i may try to go back for it, i know, thats disgusting. I then decided to just put it all in the cupboard and try to forget about it. I kept trying to think about how great i was feeling because of the cleanse / detox and how i have stuck with the healthy eating since it finished and how guilty i would feel if i caved in and messed it all up. <br /><br />Despite all those thoughts i just somehow couldn't help myself and before i knew it the chips were gone and the chocolate bars were gone and the wine gums were gone and the Smarties ice cream were, yes, you guessed it, gone. I sat there after everything had been consumed and felt totally ashamed and disgusted with myself. It is pointless for me to try and purge since i know that i am somehow not able to do it so i found some natural laxitives and took a few, not like that will make a difference because my body will have absorbed all the cals and fat already but i just had to try something. I am sitting here today all screwed up with my diet and food and once again i feel lost. I somehow have to get it together and get back on track. I'm not sure what to do. I took some more lax this morning and will continue to take them until everything is cleaned out of me and then i will start over again i guess. I will sustain myself on liquids for now and hope that i feel better in a few days. <br /><br />What is wrong with me???? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:31866 2008-02-21T19:15:22Z 2008-02-21T19:15:22Z It has been awhile since i've posted in my journal. I think i just needed to step away from this site for awhile. Sometimes i wonder if it help me to be here or just makes it worse, i just don't know anymore. <br /><br />I think January was just a downward spiral with food and weight. I just couln't get a grip on myself and my weight soared to 145 approx. I stopped weighing myself once i saw that # but i didn't stop my binging. Wow, i really think this is the only place that i can be totally honest with myself. I told my bf that i had gained a few pounds and was at 138.5 and then i told my trainer that i was 142.5 and the truth was actually 145 +. How sad am i? <br /><br />By Jan 30 i knew if i didn't do something that things might get even more out of control for me so my trainer recommended a detox / cleanse. I started my 11 day program on Feb 4 and stuck with it. This meant NO caffeine, NO sugar, NO alcohol, and the most difficult of all.... NO SALT!!!!!!! My diet consisted of whey protein shakes, veggies, chicken or fish, brown rice or whole wheat pasta and fruit. On the cleanse days (there were 4 of them) i ate nothing. My eating habits changed so drastically but the extra whey protein that i was eating helped me with cravings so i never really felt like binging although for a few days i had dreams about a toasted peanut butter bagel..... YUM! I was lucky that my trainer and a few friends decided to do the detox with me so it made it easier. The end result was AMAZING! I lost 8 pounds and a some inches, i'm not bloated, my skin has never looked so clean and fresh, my hair is really shiny, and the best part is that i am more clear and focused on eating healthy. I am going on a week since the detox and so far so good. I did have a glass of wine on the weekend and have used a touch of salt while cooking but asides from that i have maintained my good eating habits, i just hope that i can somehow continue on this road without being swayed. <br /><br />I guess after all this all i can say is that i feel good. I am still wanting to get down to my goal weight of 130 but i guess it will just take some time. I just need to do 2 things, one is to have patience and two is to resist the temptation of binging. Some people think that that would be easy given how great i feel and all the effort that i put into this detox but a binge is just not that easy to escape from. The minute you eat that one cookie or have that tiny bite of cake can result in an all out binge. Your mind will just let go of all thoughts of restraint and your hands will move of their own will, picking up that bag of cookies and just putting them in your mouth one after the other until the bag is gone. By that time you may as well just finish off the cake...... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:31734 2008-01-02T15:26:37Z 2008-01-02T15:26:37Z I have sort of been in denial about my weight. I have been avoiding the scale and eating more freely the foods that i have wanted with little restraint and now..... i am paying the price! When i went to put my jeans on this morning they were TIGHT, not just a little tight but the kind of tight that you have to squeeze into. Once i got them on, which i tell you was quite difficult, especially doing up the top button, i looked into the mirror and was completely horrified!! How could i have let this get so out of hand??!!! I must have put on at least 5-8 pounds over the holidays! My ass looked like it was ready to explode out of my jeans! In the end i knew that i could not wear these out in public so i resorted to wearing my loose cords or my "fat pants" if you will. I just don't get it sometimes, i workout for hours and hours at the gym thinking that somehow it would counter against some of my extra cals that i have been eating but i guess thats not the answer. All that sweat and hard work has been for nothing because i have been eating so poorly. Don't get me wrong, i will always workout my hardest but i am just going to have to eat better or not at all for that matter. My metabolism is already totally screwed up so i'm not sure what would work at this point. I just feel SO discouraged and lost. When i look at myself i see someone but it just can't be me.........but i know that it is.... :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:31290 2007-12-27T21:28:08Z 2007-12-27T21:28:08Z I'm fat and disgusting. <br /><br />It seems that my new hobby is baking. My sister asked me to help her with some baking over the holidays and so i agreed not realizing how big of a temptation it was going to be. I don't keep anything that i bake but it's during the baking process that has killed me, you know, when the cookies are hot and fresh out of the oven....mmmmmm. See, now i'm thinking about them again! F**k! The worst is the shortbread cookies, all that they consist of is butter, sugar and white flour so you're pretty much eating a whole lot of fat and empty calories, YUM! I mean EW! DISGUSTING! BLAH!! Why not just eat a pound of butter? <br /><br />The gym was also closed for 2 days and it was way too cold and icy out to run outside so i did nothing, thats right, i sat on my fat ass and did NOTHING. So here i am at work and i know that in 45 min when i leave here to head to the gym that i will be there for about 4 hours sweating every last drop of crap out of my body. Unfortunately it's not that easy, it will take days for my system to feel really clear and healthy again, that is of course as long as i don't stuff it full of more crap at a moment of weakness. <br /><br />On the plus side i did get some nice gifts for Christmas that will really help with my running & biking and my trainer has been talking to me about taking Isagenix and doing a cleanse/diet sort of thing so i'm getting psyched about that. <br /><br />I hope everyone had a great Christmas and is looking forward to a new year! I hope that 2008 will be good for all of you! xo urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:30983 2007-11-08T18:11:41Z 2007-11-08T18:11:41Z I feel like i'm going crazy! I was doing so well up until this week. Since my last duathlon in Sept. i have been training for just a 10 k (trying to run it in under 40 min) which was last Sunday. I didn't run my best time and i placed 7th out of 314 women which was ok but i really thought that i had it in me to do better, i guess i was wrong. Since then i have been discouraged. I had a horrible binge on Monday which involved left over halloween candy, chocolate, candy and chips. God, i'm such a lier, none of that was left over from halloween, i bought it after halloween when it was all on sale!!!!! I'm a SICK person! I should know myself better then that not to purchase bags of candy and crap and leave it around the house to tempt myself and to somehow think that i might have "control" over myself???!!! Monday evening after i stuffed my face i felt SO disgusted with myself and physically sick that i made one of my feeble attempts to throw it all up. I mean how hard could it be to throw it up when i was already feeling sick to my stomach??? Leaning over the toilet, gagging, sticking my finger as far down my throat as it will go and still...... nothing. <br /><br />Despite all the disgust over my Monday bingefest i still felt like eating crap on Tuesday evening. I will confess to eating a bag of chips and a jar of salsa but that was it. Terrible, isn't it?? Yes, how totally disappointing that i am so completely weak. I know now that it is impossible to be healthy and now i am resorting to my starvation mode to make up for the last few days. You know whats really bad? I can't stop thinking about going out on my lunch break today to see if there is any more halloween candy at the store. Yup. I'm a SICK, sick person. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:30738 2007-10-11T14:02:24Z 2007-10-11T14:02:24Z I am thinking about deleting my LJ. I'm not really sure if i can do it but i sort of feel like i need to move on and because i haven't been on-line as much i am not really feeling like this is where i belong anymore. When i first set up my LJ i was at a really low point in my life and didn't know where to go or who to turn to so when i discovered LJ and then Famishment i couldn't believe my luck. Here was a community full of amazing girls who were so incredibly supportive and caring and i finally had the feeling that i wasn't alone in my day to day struggles. Giving and receiving support made my day feel more complete and i felt like i was helping others as well by offering advice, encouragement and support. <br /><br />Over the last few months i have been trying really hard to focus more on being healthy and less on counting cals and starving myself. Don't get me wrong, i still do this but i am more aware of it and try to stop myself from falling back into these bad habits so gradually i hope to stop all of this all together. I have been doing this most of my life so i know it's not going to be easy but i think i need to at least try. I'm not sure being LJ is going to help or hinder me so i wonder if i should just delete my LJ and see what happens. I would miss everyone SO much and miss the community but maybe i need to start fresh? I don't really know. I need to get it in my head that this is my LIFE and i don't want to be like this forever. I think i have a lot to think about. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:30719 2007-09-14T19:52:36Z 2007-09-14T19:52:36Z Well, things are better for me since i last posted here. I went on vacation for 1 1/2 weeks and had such a great time. I went camping for 5 days and only managed to run on 2 of the days and on the days that i didn't run i drank beer and ate some crappy food. At first i felt REALLY guilty for slacking so badly but once i got back and got back into my gym routine it was like i had a burst of energy and motivation! Maybe taking those few days off made the difference? I really can't remember the last time i took more then 1 day off at a time. I even placed FIRST in my race!! Thats my second win this year! <br /><br />I have been back to work for a week now and we are running a full staff, thank god. For the last few months we have been short staffed and things have been insane here in the office so to have a few weeks with no one off is really a nice break. I have had time to breath. <br /><br />Tomorrow i am planning a long run, maybe 18 miles and then Sunday i will do speed work and lots of weight training. Fun stuff! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:30350 2007-08-23T16:32:30Z 2007-08-23T16:32:30Z AAaaHHhhhh!!!!! <br /><br />We are so short staffed here in the office and i feel like i'm going crazy here! Not only is work terrible but i have been feeling SO fat lately! Yesterday i couln't even bring myself to get to the gym because i was so down on myself. I had one of those days where i was just like, "why do i bother working out so much? It's not making any difference so whats the point?? I'm just going to go home and sit on the couch and do nothing like most people do." Instead i got home feeling all sorry for myself and ate a few granola bars and then a handful of sunflower seeds and then a piece of cheese, 2 cookies, a few rice cakes, and so on and so on. I just went around the kitchen and picked here and there at foods and ate bits of evrything. It doesn't sound totally horrible but the cals added up to a lot i'm sure and today i just feel disgusting. No gym and i ate lots of crap, nice. See, this is why i go to the gym after work. Not only to work out but to avoid the temptation of food. I'm so stupid! I should have just gone to the gym and then i wouldn't be feeling like this now. <br /><br />I feel like i have no time for anything lately either. I don't even know whats been going on with everyone in the Fam and i hate that i have no time to find out. I miss everyone but maybe this is for the best since i don't want to bring everyone else down with me. <br /><br />My next race is in a few weeks and i don't feel ready for it. I'm SO tired. Tired of everything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:30076 2007-08-07T18:14:52Z 2007-08-07T18:14:52Z Wow, i can't believe it's been almost a month since i've posted here! Things have been crazy in the office and i know that they have been really watching us and our personal computer use so i have been weary to come on to LJ. I'm not sure if they are still watching but i figured i would sneak on here just for a quickie post and maybe try to catch up with some of the girls. <br /><br />So, i was off from running for pretty much the entire month of July with a hair line fracture in my foot and i was pretty upset about it but for the last week and a half i have started up again and it's going ok. I am still at the gym for my hours upon hours but just doing other cardio and my weights. Some days are better then others and it feels more uncomfortable then painful right now. My next race is this weekend coming up and i'm just hoping that i do well. <br /><br />I have been struggling with my food issues. Since i wasn't running i put back on a few pounds and then i did the starve myself thing for about a week and dropped it down even lower then before and i was at 133 pounds! Then i was trying to eat more healthy but once you starve yourself then start eating again you gain back a few pounds and of course thats what happened. Nice. It's like i know this will happen but i just can't stop these horrible habits. Somehow i think that this time will be different and once i lose that weight that i will be fine but it never works out that way and i slowly gain it back again. It's just such a bad cycle and i just don't know how to not do it anymore. <br /><br />On Saturday i was feeling sorry for myself so i bought a mini cake from the grocery store, it's about half the size of a regular cake and would normally serve 4 people. I knew my bf wasn't going to be home so i wouldn't have to be sneaky or lie to him. I got home and sat down with the cake and just starred at it for about 10 -15 min. I was completely taunting myself so i put in back in the box and shoved it to the back of the refridgerator. I would have thrown it out but i didn't want the evidence in the garbage. Not really sure what to do about the cake now i just tried to forget it was there which was impossible! I tried to occupy myself with t.v, phoning a friend, cleaning but i couldn't stop thinking about the cake. I finally threw down my scrub brush and grabbed the cake, cut myself half of it and just pretended that i wasn't really eating it when in fact i was shoving it in my face. I did the "do, do, dum, dee, do, i'm not really doing anything bad for me and i'm certainly not eating cake, lalalalalala." You know you have to mess with your mind so that you're not really thinking about what your doing. Afterwards i felt SO sick and angry with myself that i threw the box with the cake in it out the side door of my house. Thank god my neighbour wasn't home or else he would wonder what the hell i was doing. I went back picked up the cake which was half in the box and half on my driveway, got in my car, drove to a dumpster and threw it in. I tried to collect myself and hold back my tears but a few escaped. God, whats wrong with me!!!!??? Do i have no control at all?? I have been stressing about all of those calories ever since and have been working out like a mad women to get rid of all that crap in my system. I feel SO disgusting!!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:29879 2007-07-12T20:04:10Z 2007-07-12T20:04:10Z Couldn't run last night. :(<br /><br />Didn't end up fessing up to my bf about the ju jubes. :(<br /><br />I have NO motivation today at all to do anything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:29624 2007-07-11T20:25:31Z 2007-07-11T20:25:31Z SO busy this week!!<br /><br />Just a quickie post. Can't run because of my foot and i'm pissed about it. Tonight my trainer is going to tape my foot up to see if it helps so my fingers are crossed real tight in the hopes that it does.<br /><br />I'm pretty sure i've put back on a few pounds, woohoo....<br /><br />My office is in a big termoil. Just lots of bullshit going on. <br /><br />Family member in hospital, it's old age and nothing shocking.<br /><br />Went for job interview and waiting to hear back about it. <br /><br />Bought some ju jubes last night and when my bf asked me why i smelled like ju jubes i lied to him and said i had been chewing gum. Not really sure why i lied but i will fess up tonight. I don't want to get in to the habit of being dishonest with him like i was with my ex-husband. <br /><br />Thats it, thats all for now. xo urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:29425 2007-07-06T14:28:27Z 2007-07-06T14:28:27Z Not sure what to do. I did something to my foot last Saturday and then i did my long run on Sunday which i'm sure didn't help the foot problem. It has been really painful since then and i haven't been able to run all week. I tried last night but it was just too much. I guess i'll have to see the doctor because it's not getting any better, in fact it's starting to affect my knees because i'm walking wierd to favor my foot. Ah, there is always something but i just can't let this stop me now. All this training is not going to be for nothing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:29085 2007-07-03T16:59:01Z 2007-07-03T16:59:01Z Would you believe that i actually won the race? Who would have thought? <br /><br />When i walked up to the board to check my results i nearly passed out when i saw that i not only won in my age group but i won it out of all the women that participated! People i didn't even know were cheering me on and offering congratulations and it was just the best feeling ever!! <br /><br />AnyHoo.... Back from vacation today and i am NOT loving being back to work, in fact it really sucks. It was SO nice to just relax and have fun for a change. The vacation couldn't have come at a better time because i was at an all time low at work and was desperate for a break. Ah, to not have to work at all....... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:28718 2007-06-21T16:23:23Z 2007-06-21T16:23:23Z Well, my trainer got back and he was at the gym last night. I have been working my ass off to be ready for the duathlon on Saturday and he says that i shouldn't even be at the gym because i should be taperring. He said that he doesn't want to see me at the gym at all today or tomorrow and that i should also take Sunday off for recovery! Then he said that i need to have a big meal today and tomorrow so that i will be ready to go on Saturday!!! Hello? Does he know me? To say no working out for 3 days and couple it in the same sentence with eat some big meal?????? Hello? I don't think so! I didn't know wether or not to cry or yell at him. Instead i just looked at him and eventually said that i would "try" to do that. Yeah right.<br /><br />So this morning i worked out for 2 hours so that i don't run into him and i guess i'll just go for a walk after work. Tomorrow i suppose i'll do the same. I am all stressed out because he's going to be at the race and he wants me to win it. Hello? I highly doubt that i'll even place in the race let alone win it. He's obviously got a few screws loose. <br /><br />Anyhoo..... I have one more work day to go and then i'm on vacation until July 3!!! Thats 10 days off!!!! WooHoo!!! I am really looking forward to having a break from work but I know that i'll be stressing over food because I woun't be in my usual routine. My bf also knows that i don't eat much during the day but i don't think he knows that i eat as little as i do and sometimes not at all. I will have to somehow make this work and hopefully this woun't wreck my vacation. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:28580 2007-06-19T16:35:31Z 2007-06-19T16:35:31Z I got on the scale at the doctors office and it read 132! Thats 6 pounds since i last weighed myself! <br /><br />I have been really restricting and it looks like it's paid off. Sad but true. I would love to say that i did it in a healthy was but that would be a lie. Pretty much sticking to liquids all day and then having a small dinner. Thats it. I hate struggling at the gym and i'm not yet sure if i'm going to have it in me to really do well this weekend for my second duathlon but i guess we'll see. I hate doing a half assed job especially when i have trained so hard for this but i just needed to get control back of my weight and do something about it. <br /><br />Actually last night at the gym, despite my lack of food i had an awsome 5k and ran it in 20 min and 14 seconds! Thats under my 7 min mile. It near killed me doing it but i'm glad i pushed myself. I think the girl running next to me thought i was going to hyperventilate because i was breathing so hard and sort of weezing a bit. I was sweating up a storm as well and i just couldn't wipe my red tomato face off enough. I LOVE the feeling of "going beyond" what i can normally do. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:28252 2007-06-12T13:01:45Z 2007-06-12T13:01:45Z I had a rough weekend.<br /><br />Water, lemon water, tea & soup. Thats it, thats all i had yesterday. Planning on doing much the same thing today. <br /><br />I know i will pay for this at the gym, like i did yesterday but i really don't care right now. I just HAVE to lose a few pounds! I'm tired of fighting with my fat! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:27998 2007-06-08T18:24:42Z 2007-06-08T18:24:42Z I'm changing into my workout clothes last night at the gym and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I try not to look at myself in the mirror because i know if i do i'm just going to get upset but i couldn't seem to avoid it last night. I see this jiggly thigh looking right back at me and i just couldn't help feeling disgusted with myself. I just don't get it. I workout like a mad women and i barely eat much of anything and i still have these fat, ugly thighs! I'm a runner for gods sake! Don't most runners have amazing legs? Why am i not one of them? I just don't know what more i can do. <br /><br />I can live with rest of myself to a point, meaning on most days the rest of my body is acceptable, (it has taken me a VERY long time to come to terms with the rest of my body) my stomach is flat asides from being bloated some days, my arms are toned, back is not terrible, shoulders could be better but i can live with it. Oh, i do hate my butt though as well as my thighs and i have one calf thats fatter then the other which i'm not happy about...... And theres more but i will stop now. I guess i haven't really come to terms with anything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:27757 2007-06-04T15:57:06Z 2007-06-04T15:59:37Z My weekend was really good. Had some great workouts, got together with some friends, went shopping. I went shopping for Tri Shorts but ended up buying 2 shorts and 2 tops from Lululemon that i doubt i'll race in. I spent WAY too much as well and now the guilt is setting in. I always feel bad when i spend a lot of money. I know i'm at the gym every day and these are clothes that i need but still.....<br /><br />My trainer has been gone for the month and should be back sometime this week or next. I haven't heard from him at all since he left and i need some advice for my next race. I hope he's back soon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:27618 2007-05-31T14:34:39Z 2007-05-31T14:34:39Z I ate WAY too much last night so i'm actually leaving work early so that i can get more time in at the gym. How sad is that? I just can't help feeling guilty about last night so i have to some how make up for it. I wish i could just forget about it and move on but nope, i will feel bad about it for the next few days until i feel that i've reversed some of the damage. This SUCKS!!! I should just set up camp at the gym and live there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:27245 2007-05-28T19:49:38Z 2007-05-28T19:49:38Z Mondays....... Why do they last forever? <br /><br />On my lunch break i went to the running store to check out Tri Shorts, they are shorts for running with minimal padding in the crotch for biking. Can we say U-G-L-Y?! Holy crap i would never be caught dead wearing these things! Not only does the padding make your ass look HUGE but they are super tight on the waist and the legs so they cut off your circulation and they make your legs and waist look like you have fat rolls! Nasty! So i didn't buy them, obviously. Not sure what i'm going to wear for my next race but i can tell you what i'm NOT going to be wearing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:26993 2007-05-24T19:36:08Z 2007-05-24T19:36:08Z I'm trying really hard to stick to my restricting but it's been really hard the last few days. I am worried that i may have no choice but to up my cal intake because i just don't feel like i have energy to train as hard as i think i can. Even for the Duathlon i didn't eat or drink anything but coffee before the race and i have been wondering ever since if i may have actually done better if i had only had something to eat before the race or have a few sips of water. I just don't know and i really want to improve on my next race but i'm not sure how. I wish food & calories was something easier to deal with but it just rules my life and is constantly on my mind. <br /><br />Last night at the gym i was lifting weights and it just seemed SO hard all of a sudden and i wanted to just stop and go home. I don't like feeling defeated at the gym but thats sort of how i felt. I finished my workout but as a result i was completely exhausted and pretty much went to bed when i got home. <br /><br />Today i ate rice cakes, banana and a granola bar. I feel like that should be enough to keep me going tonight. I just hate that this is so hard! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:26652 2007-05-23T15:42:08Z 2007-05-23T15:42:08Z Race day finally arrived. I was not really all that nervous about it until i got there and saw all of the other people and they were wearing their top of the line racing gear and had expensive racing bikes and they all looked like they knew what they were doing. I was thankful for my new bike and just sort of hoped i didn't look too out of place. <br /><br />Everyone also looked really fit and in shape but i did see one fat girl so i knew that i would beat at least one person. Yeah, i'm mean but it's the truth. There were a few women in my age group talking about the race and how this year was supposed to be a harder course but they all felt confident that they would do fine. I was getting a little worried at that point but i tried to just brush it off. <br /><br />The first run of the race i was breathing really hard and had a hard time pacing myself. I managed to pass those women near the end of the run and i was secretly thrilled at one of their expressions as i did it, she looked pissed, :). The bike course was WAY more difficult then i imagined and there is only one word to describe it, HILLS and lots and lots of them. I didn't pass anyone on my bike but i was passed by about a dozen men and maybe 2 women, fine, no problem. As i pulled into the transition area to drop off my bike i hear my bf cheering me on and saying that only a few women had come through so far and i was doing great so i had to smile despite the fact that i was on the verge of puking and just kept on going. The last run was horrible and i actually debated stopping. I really thought i was going to be sick and every step i took my stomach gurgled. What kept me going was the people on the sidelines cheering everyone on, they were yelling my race # and telling me i was almost done, just a little further and that i was doing great, that really made the difference for me and i just couldn't stop. On the second last turn as i went around a pilon a girl was able to pass me on the inside and i just couldn't catch up. I saw from her markings (in black marker we all have our race numbers on our arms and our age on our leg) that she was in my age category but there was nothing that i could do about it. <br /><br />My goal time was 1:20:0 and i finished just over that by a few minutes. I placed 22 out of 151 women and placed 6th out of the women in my age group. The top 5 in each age and gender category win prizes and i missed 5th place by 15 seconds. Can you believe that? 15 seconds! That girl that passed me at the end got 5th place. Oh well. <br /><br />During the race i was asking myself, "why the hell am i doing this?!" and "i will never do this again" but now that a day or so has passed i can't wait to do another, wierd. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:26550 2007-05-16T18:12:25Z 2007-05-16T18:13:52Z Today is weight day so i will be at the gym FOREVER doing my weights and i just can't let a workout go without some cardio so it looks like i may not get home until after 9 pm. Ah, what can you do?<br /><br />On Saturday i did a test run / bike / run outside while my bf drove his truck behind me. He would pass me my bike when i finished my first run and then take it from me once i finished the bike portion. It worked out really well asides from me pretty much falling off my bike because i couldn't get my foot out of the pedal strap fast enough. I actually have quite a few scapes and bruises from Saturday and i just hope that my first Duathlon on Monday goes more gracefully. Not likely, i'm just not a graceful person, in fact i'm just plain clumsy. <br /><br />Today i ate a mango and now i'm actually feeling all crampy from it. Too much acid in the mango? I guess i will have to pop a few TUMS, what would i do without them? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:marathonrun:26044 2007-05-11T13:24:08Z 2007-05-11T13:24:08Z This entire week at the gym has been So incredibly hot that my energy level is at an all time low. I love the nice weather and i plan to run / bike out doors more so now but there is still lots i need to do at the gym but it seems that my gym is too cheap to start the air conditioning. I walk into the gym and the heat just hits you, it's hotter then outside. By the time i'm on my machine to start cardio i have zero energy to actually do anything on it. I have been struggling all week and by the time my workout is over i am, sorry, i know this is gross but i am dripping sweat and i'm not kidding. I always sweat but this is rediculous. I then get home and can barely move as i'm so exhausted so i just sit on the couch until i go to bed. Oh, i do take a shower before i turn into a vegitable. :) <br /><br />As for food..... Not bad. I have eaten more for dinner then i would like to but i feel like i need to eat more so that i have a bit of energy. Throughout the day i have been living on a bit of cerial or some rice cakes and maybe a banana, thats it. I feel good that i have been able to restrict as much as i have and i really hope i can keep it up. I know this isn't all that healthy but i don't know what else to do. I need that control and of course bikini season is just about here and i feel like a fatso on most days so i have to step it up or else i may as well just live in pants and sweaters all summer. That would not be fun!